Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
