She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
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Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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