Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
