Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
