Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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