You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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