Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
