Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The air was thick with penises
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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