If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
