I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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