I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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