all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
