If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
