I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
