The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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