you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
