I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
