Im at strip club and am horny
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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