I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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