im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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