i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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