Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
