I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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