you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
