Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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