I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
