just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
