I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
