Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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