i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
we made out on top of his cat.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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