Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
