Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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