I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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