perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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