I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
