just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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