tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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