dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
