She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
