I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
