You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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