im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
