I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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