all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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