Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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