I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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