When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
