pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dicks are not precious.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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