U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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