i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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