Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
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