I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
