his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
