I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
