margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
the liver wants what the liver wants
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
