Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize