That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
