omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
