Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
