I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
