Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
