You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
