And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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