i jhust puked up my retainher.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
