My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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